How Childhood Trauma Affects A Sexless Marriage
Let’s start here:
You're in a marriage where sex has all but disappeared, and you’re wondering—how did we get here? Was it the stress? The kids? The grind of daily life? Or is it something deeper… something older?
Many couples land in a sexless relationship not because they stopped loving each other, but because something invisible is running the show—something rooted in past trauma. Often, it's childhood trauma. And the effects are rarely just emotional; they can take a real toll on intimacy, desire, and connection.
So if you’re stuck in a relationship that feels more like co-parenting or co-existing than a partnership, let’s talk about what might be underneath it all.
First: What Is Childhood Trauma?
Childhood trauma isn’t always dramatic or obvious. It can include physical or emotional abuse, neglect, parental conflict, chronic instability, or even experiences of being shamed, ignored, or made to feel unsafe for having needs. These experiences don't simply "go away" as we get older. They influence our self-perception, how we react to intimacy, and how we deal with vulnerability.
As trauma experts like Bessel van der Kolk explain, trauma often doesn’t show up as a coherent memory—it shows up in our bodies, which can be interpreted as in how we react, relate, and protect ourselves.
So if your partner shuts down emotionally… avoids physical touch… panics when you ask for more closeness… or seems numb when you try to reconnect—there might be a trauma history driving that behavior.
Repressed Trauma Can Affect the Body & The Bedroom
Intimacy—emotional or physical—requires you to let your guard down. But for people who experienced childhood trauma, being vulnerable can feel dangerous. For them, closeness may unconsciously register as a threat.
Some common signs trauma is affecting intimacy:
Your partner pulls away emotionally or physically when things get serious
Sex feels like pressure, performance, or even an obligation
One or both of you feel disconnected during or after sex
Affection and desire have faded into resentment or numbness
Sometimes, the person with trauma doesn't even realize it's driving these behaviors. They may say “I’m just not into sex,” or “I’m tired,” or “It’s not a big deal.” But underneath that, there might be fear, shame, or unresolved pain they’ve never felt safe enough to explore.
“How did I end up in a sexless marriage?”
This question comes with a lot of grief. For some, it’s tinged with resentment—I didn’t sign up for this. For others, it’s more self-directed—What’s wrong with me?
The hard truth is that no one teaches us how to deal with the invisible baggage we bring into relationships. We model what we saw, or we overcorrect not wanting to repeat past behavior. And if we’ve never learned how to talk about emotions, process trauma, or how to stay present in moments of discomfort… we end up avoiding the very connection we crave.
When one partner is carrying unprocessed childhood trauma, the relationship often becomes a mirror for that pain. And over time, both people end up suffering.
Supporting A Partner With Childhood Trauma
This isn’t easy. It takes patience, compassion, and clear boundaries. If your partner has trauma, you might feel confused or even rejected when they shut down. You might think, If they loved me, wouldn’t they want to be close?
But this isn’t about love. It’s about survival patterns that got baked in long ago.
Here’s what can help:
Don’t personalize the shutdown. It’s not about you. Their avoidance or numbness isn’t a rejection—it’s a defense mechanism.
Create safety, not pressure. Focus on emotional closeness before physical. Sometimes, just sitting together, being curious, and truly listening creates more intimacy than sex ever could.
Encourage therapy—gently. Trauma healing is deeply personal. The best support you can offer is encouragement without insistence.
Get your own support. Loving someone with trauma history can be hard. Therapy—individual or couples—can help you navigate the emotional terrain without losing yourself.
Why Do So Many People Think Sexless Marriages Are Normal?
This is where things get interesting—and a little painful. Culturally, we’ve normalized the slow fade of intimacy. We joke about it. “Marriage is where sex goes to die,” people say, half-laughing, half-resigned.
But let’s be honest: it’s not funny when you’re the one living it. When you reach for your partner and get turned away—again. When you stop trying because rejection stings too much. When years go by and your body aches for something that used to feel so simple.
A sexless marriage might be common, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Sometimes, it’s a red flag for deeper issues—unprocessed trauma, unresolved resentment, communication breakdown, or emotional disconnection. Left unaddressed, these patterns calcify. And the relationship becomes more of a management arrangement than a living, breathing partnership.
You don’t have to accept that as your final answer however.
Healing Is Possible—With The Right Support
At The Virtual Counselors (TVC), we work with couples who feel stuck, distant, and confused. We understand the complexities of trauma, desire, and long-term relationships. Our approach integrates evidence-based practices like:
Imago Therapy, which helps partners understand how childhood wounds are showing up in adult dynamics.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), which explores the different “parts” inside us—some of which may be protective, scared, or ashamed.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to shift harmful thought patterns and develop new, healthier ways of relating.
Whether you’re the partner with trauma or the one feeling shut out, we help you rebuild trust, explore the root causes, and find new ways back to intimacy—whatever that looks like for you.
Many couples feel broken when intimacy disappears. But a sexless marriage is a signal, not a verdict. And with the right tools and support, even deep pain can become a path to healing.
Want to explore how trauma may be affecting your relationship?
Reach out to schedule a session with a therapist at TVC. We’re here to walk with you—step by step—toward understanding, connection, and hope.
Why Choose Our Online Virtual Counselors?
Specialized Expertise: Our therapists aren’t generalists. They specialize in different areas of mental health, ensuring you get the tailored support you need.
Convenience: No commuting, no waiting rooms. Receive therapy from the comfort of your home, office, or wherever you feel safe and relaxed.
Flexibility: Our virtual platform can adapt to your schedule. You decide when you want to have your session.
Confidentiality: Just like traditional face-to-face therapy, our online sessions are private and confidential.
If you’re seeking an online, virtual counseling in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia or Florida, please reach out for a complimentary consultant today.
